Nine Gifts for the Law Nerd in Your Life

(1) This disappearing civil liberties mug:

When you pour hot liquid into it, the Bill of Rights disappears. What is the symbolic significance of the hot liquid? Does it represent poverty or corruption or, I don’t know, opulence or something? I’ve put two or three solid minutes of thought into this important question and am still undecided.

Be warned, though, whatever the symbolism of hot liquid, the dishwasher here is the Patriot Act of cleaning mechanisms because it will literally make all your civil rights disappear and never come back, turning an otherwise beautiful gift into a sort of regular looking white mug that will eventually get swatted off the counter by your cat and break. Trust me.

(2) Does the law nerd in your life enjoy working out? Sleeveless t-shirts? Animal puns that make absolutely no sense? No? Okay, then, definitely do not get them this shirt:

(3) Oh, you’re too good for novelty mugs and bizarre tank tops? Fine. Go ahead, spend $800 on a “legal-themed chess set.” The judge is the king, and blind justice is the queen, which tickles my spidey sexism sense, but the lawyers are the bishops, which makes me feel serious things and have deep thoughts about my participation as a lawyer in the perpetuation of injustice. Also, rooks are represented by stacks of law books because that stuff is really heavy. You know, like castles.


(4) This shirt with the many-layered pun for the Serial lover in your life:

Get it? Cause “Serial” is also a pun! Sort of. I guess it’s not a pun, ’cause it actually means the same thing in “serial podcast” and “serial killer.” And “kimp” isn’t really a pun at all.

Whatever, all I’m saying is, I’m a size medium.

(5) Does your law nerd love wine? You know she does, who doesn’t? It’s not like she drinks every night. I mean, maybe one glass after a long day, what’s the big deal?

Yes sirree, you saw that correctly. It is a “female lawyer steel wine caddy.” Yep.

You can tell she’s a lawyer cause she’s carrying a summons and a contract. She’s definitely not a struggling single mother putting herself through law school by working part time as a process server while simultaneously carrying around her first year law school textbooks.

(6) This Hansmann Harriers T-shirt, to commemorate Yale Law Professor Henry Hansmann’s contracts class in the fall of 2007. The link is deceptive, as it indicates these shirts can be bought in any color. They actually only come in the color of industrial egg yolks, as can be seen in this rare, historically significant photograph:

The identity of fellow Hansmann Harriers has been obscured to protect their dignity. 

(7) In all seriousness, as a bona fide law nerd, I have the inside scoop on what really gets law types in a tizzy. You civilians may not understand the allure of this particular item, but we lawyers know what’s what.

With that said, let me present to you:

Zombie slippers that eat your feet, with googly falling out eyeballs.

I bought this particular pair for my husband and they’re too small for him, which I guess means I have an extra pair that I might be willing to part with. For the right price.

(8) Law School in a Box:

This is described as an “insanely funny gift for lawyers” because “by saying that you can fit everything that’s learned in law school into a box, you’re basically saying that anyone can learn it.” Get it? Hilarious!

Since law school costs like $180,000, and even just preparing for the bar exam can cost many thousands of dollars more, your law nerd will totally appreciate the fact that you spent a measly $9.39 to mock them for their indebtedness and poor life choices. Ha ha ha!

Speaking of which…

(9) Loan Forgiveness.

Seriously, though.

This piece is cross-posted on Life of the Law, a ”new and unique radio and multimedia project that explores the relationship of law to the experience and meaning of American society and culture.”

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